I wonder if you like me experience one or more of the following feelings: You (still) want a child.
Maybe you find yourself indecisive about whether you’d like to have (another) child. Maybe you’re, like me, 43, and still working hard on conceiving a child, but it’s not going anywhere, because having a child, doesn’t “just” happen, especially when you’re over 40. Maybe you’re angry because you never had one. Or perhaps your child has already grown so much, that you need a puppy to fulfill the hollowness your unconditional love still craves. Suddenly there’s a hormonal pressure and you realize pre-menopause is just around the corner, in contrast to all the other milestones that you have been through (do you remember, milestone sweet 16, hey hey finally 18, fully mature 21, for sure no longer a child 25, bye bye 20s, hello 30s, and then very soon after, the 40s were approaching…) with the forthcoming 40 you abruptly feel a much more intense focus on your body and your mind, the last chance to have a child or to find peace with the children that you may or may not have been given.
You evaluate your friendships. You’re now in a new phase of life. First you wanted someone to “socialize” with – to go out with, to go shopping and to go on city trips with. Then you wanted someone who understood you during the first years of your maternity, the troubled times of your marriage and your busy working hours of your demanding job – you wanted someone to cheer you up and have a glass of wine with, when your quite regularly weren’t in such a cheery mood, but more so super tired and nearing a burn-out. And now you’re 40 and you want more from your (superficial) friendships. You are looking for meaningful conversations; in-depth, intelligent involvement; a real connection and conversation that goes beyond “coziness”. And maybe you’re sad you can’t find the friendship where you thought you’d be able to and some of these friendships come to an end.
You actually can’t be bothered to work anymore.
Your pension is another hundred years away or so, and you’ve already had enough of working. You’ve always been occupied with it (or at least, that’s how it feels), you don’t know if you still like it, and every day you wish you were a gardener, a pastry chef or therapist. Or you’re like me and want to simplify everything (because who needs money?) and move to an uninhabited island in Thailand and walk along the beach and read books.
You get older and it makes you afraid.
Yesterday I sprained my ankle during running, I tried three different facial moisturizers to reduce the appearance of fine lines (none of them helped) … and again, found a few new grey hairs, as a few years ago I very impudent decided to stop dying my hair, so now they grow out very obvious. All of that, in one day! You eat healthier than ever before, you make a priority of exercises and you take all those vitamins of which people can’t shut up, but still you’re aging … and fast too. You have trouble sleeping, you can’t lose weight, even though you try so hard, and let’s not even start about the period … it’s like being a teen all over again, the PMS symptoms are back as never before.
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