Angellisa

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to shoot an AndBloom beauty special with me. We created several beautiful portraits of which this one was the last experimental one. The day before the shoot, I saw some pink Gypsophila in my favorite flower shop and decided to buy some for the studio. We used it for fun in the final picture of the day, and I think it ended up as such a beautiful shot.

When no one is around, Angellisa likes to sing a track without hitting the notes, over and over again, rewind, and listen again. She loves to look up the lyrics, to feel it, and to play it again. Something that could be considered annoying to others. We talked a lot during our time together and connected in ways beyond words. At one moment, I asked her what she thinks is the strangest thing about becoming an older woman.

She answered:” I have always learned, work hard, and achieve, and so I did. I realized most things in life that I had set my mind to. There is always a way I used to say! Nowadays, I look back and feel that I was hard on myself for always working hard and forever standing strong. Becoming older, I have found out that sometimes things you really want, things you really work hard for can’t come true. No matter how hard you try, how hard you work for it, some things will never happen.

How the walls crushed down and affected me are beyond words. It truly feels like someone you love has passed away. I know that feeling very well, the sense of loss, but no one actually passed away. It’s the sadness I feel because of my infertility. Infertility has many faces with all kinds of causes or no causes at all! Something that is so ‘natural’ as conceiving a child is often incomprehensible for people who haven’t been through such an event. But speaking of that, 1 in 5 people go through this, and often in silence, it’s a taboo.

There’s a big urge in me to break the silence. I had to go on YouTube to find speakers and closed Facebook groups sharing their story; these stories and some women I met along the way helped me to understand what I felt. A lot of women (and men) are dealing with this incredible pain. They experience feelings like, for example, identity lost & life purpose lost. Why the silence? As an older woman, I don’t want to keep up the appearance all the time. And I don’t want to be strong all the time. I will show my vulnerability now more than before.

It costs me so much energy to pretend to do better than I actually do. I learned to be open about my sadness, and along the way, I have met beautiful people who also shared their stories with me. I am always interested in the person behind the photographer, the cook, or the model, etc., with kindness and no judgment. I learned to make genuine connections with people, so my work or other get-togethers became so much more fun & real. This forces me to look even deeper into myself (with tools) and to hopefully eventually find out who I really am. Because who I am is so much more than the paint picture that didn’t come true for me. I am finding ways to see my new self, and I am ready to say, “this is me.”