Ever since I started the project, motherhood over 40 has been a topic I planned to write about. Somehow the subject just doesn’t come up often in my posts; there are so many interesting subjects to discuss.
“Why don’t I write more about it?” I wondered when deciding on writing this post today on the occasion of my son’s first day of school after the summer. The fact that the first 5 years of his life past by so fast makes me gloomy today, so I decided to write a bit about (my) motherhood thoughts.
Never the Mommy MOm
I was never the “mommy mom”. By that, I mean that I never fantasized about being a mom one day as a young girl. As a young woman, babies were not on my mind, like marriage couldn’t interest me either. I thought it much more interesting to go my own way, travel the world, have an exciting career, and be financially independent. It wasn’t until I was in my late 30s that I realized that I wanted to become a mother. I had done it all, travel, work, have fun, spend a lot of time becoming a better person after my troubled youth. I felt that I wanted to give my life a deeper meaning with the care of a child (whether that was ultimately a “pink cloud” decision I leave in the middle for now).
The only obstacle I had at that moment was my age (39), and the severe endometriosis doctors discovered when I was 30. Not to mention the diagnose that having children was most probably impossible for me because of 2 almost blocked ovarian tubes.
There were some things that I realized back then being 30 years old. While I was in a relationship with a totally wrong man, and spasmodically tried to live up to society’s expectations to fit in, I had no urge to reproduce and “vibrating ovaries” at all. It took almost another ten years to “feel” motherhood
running through my veins. And most likely it was still a different “feel” from other women, who knows. But I had my son at 40 and he came when I was ready for him. I was utterly unprepared because I had never paid any attention to how my friends “did it” because I was busy doing other things.
The perfect MOM
Now, nearly 5 years later, he’s off to school today. I realized something important yesterday as I watched him help a much smaller child down the slide in the zoo’s playground. I have formed a wonderful child that’s kind, silly, funny, naughty, empathic, and so on… (proud mom talking…).
In my own personal, different, crazy way, I did this well. I put all my heart and soul into the first 5 years of my child’s life, following my intuition and my gut feeling. Looking back at those 5 years, I realize again that it was a heartfelt choice to be a stay-home mom. I made a very conscious choice to have a child. I had him after a lot of effort even to get pregnant and then decided to be there for him 100%. I am glad I had the choice, and I would make the same choice again.
But being a homestay mom was no perfect fairytale. Motherhood isn’t a fairytale at all, it’s hard work (really hard work… and I only have one child). I also gave up a very large part of myself (at that moment not knowing that it would come back at me again…), all women do when they become mothers. After living my “selfish” life for 40 years, all of a sudden everything revolved around a child. Fantastically beautiful but also deadly tiring (perhaps due to age …) and an irreversible life event. After having a child, your life will never be the way it was before, for better or worse.
I remember getting nauseous from time to time, looking at those “perfect motherhood” Instagram accounts that I used to follow years ago. Those perfect looking young moms with 4 kids creating the perfect Insta life. In the meantime, I looked (and felt) like a tired, lifeless forty-something for the first 3 years of being a new mom. As if a perfect life involves lots of children or children at all. Yes, for some women, but certainly not for every woman. I thought it was very difficult to be a full-time mother at times. There have been times when I wanted to hit my head into a wall. But overall it was an amazing experience spending most of my time with my son. To see him grow into the wonderful young boy he became.
Respect
Respect for all full-time home-stay moms, for the part-time working moms, not to mention the full-time working moms (how do they do that?). A lot of admiration for women who choose not to have children at all. Because having children is really no requirement for a happy, fun, and exciting life. I know from experience that society often imposes motherhood on women. In fact, I know some women who openly admit that they were happier without children. Motherhood should always be a choice.
I have the most respect for unwanted childless women; life can be so hard. I went through a phase where I knew it was nearly impossible to have a child with my illness but still wanted to become a mom so badly. Uncertainty is killing. Knowing that you wish for something unlikely to happen is terrible. And even though you know that life is beautiful and fun without children, it’s just not what you want. I consider myself extremely lucky.
And I think ultimately that’s why I don’t raise the topic of motherhood very often. I can even get shy about it at times and don’t want to post too much about it within the project. I want to stay away from that “perfect Insta family” feeling that me nauseous from time to time a few years ago. Nobody’s life is perfect, not in real-life, and most definitely not on Instagram. Motherhood is a very sensitive subject and different for everyone. I know so many women suffer infertility and secondary infertility, I’ve seen waiting rooms and fertility clinics full of hopeful women (and men). After I had my son, I hoped for a second child, which, unfortunately, never happened. A big wish that I have since let go, also thanks to this project, because AndBloom has become my second child. Or did life gave me exactly what I need and what suits me? One beautiful child and a few flourishing careers?
