Searching for answers as to how I feel, I’m wandering the internet.
But how do I feel exactly? Meanwhile, it has become clear to me that there’s no official recognized name for it, the “phase” I’m going through. But even though there’s no name for it, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. After a period of single-handed ‘’Google (re)search’’ I’m glad to have found strategies to get through this period a hell of a lot easier.
We are all familiar with the various crises, such as puberty, quarter-life crisis, the pre-midlife crisis and midlife crisis. And then there is this new undefined crisis we get around the age of 40.
After a lot of reading and far too much thinking about my thoughts and feelings, I‘ve come up with the following definition: we women spend our 20s and 30s building our friendships, careers, our families, and our marriages. We invest a lot of time and love in our lives – obviously, with the right intention, because we love our families, we love what we do and we love our family and our friends.
And then exactly at this moment of your life, the eve of the start of our 40th year on earth or just after, we finally take a minute to sit back, to take a breath and look at ourselves. You built a career, the children have grown up a little, the marriage as customary… and then all of a sudden, there is space for me (or in your case, space for you). Unfortunately, many of us aren’t completely satisfied with what they see then.
We invest a lot of work, a lot of time and a lot of love in our lives – all with the right intension.
I wonder if you like me experience one or more of the following feelings:
You (still) want a child. Maybe you find yourself indecisive about whether you’d like to have (another) child. Maybe you’re, like me, 43, and still working hard on conceiving a child, but it’s not going anywhere, because having a child, doesn’t “just” happen, especially when you’re over 40. Maybe you’re angry because you never had one. Or perhaps your child has already grown so much, that you need a puppy to fulfill the hollowness your unconditional love still craves. Suddenly there’s a hormonal pressure and you realize pre-menopause is just around the corner, in contrast to all the other milestones that you have been through (do you remember, milestone sweet 16, hey hey finally 18, fully mature 21, for sure no longer a child 25, bye bye 20s, hello 30s, and then very soon after, the 40s were approaching…) with the forthcoming 40 you abruptly feel a much more intense focus on your body and your mind, the last chance to have a child or to find peace with the children that you may or may not have been given.
You evaluate your friendships. You’re now in a new phase of life. First you wanted someone to “socialize” with – to go out with, to go shopping and to go on city trips with. Then you wanted someone who understood you during the first years of your maternity, the troubled times of your marriage and your busy working hours of your demanding job – you wanted someone to cheer you up and have a glass of wine with, when your quite regularly weren’t in such a cheery mood, but more so super tired and nearing a burn-out. And now you’re 40 and you want more from your (superficial) friendships. You are looking for meaningful conversations; in-depth, intelligent involvement; a real connection and conversation that goes beyond “coziness”. And maybe you’re sad you can’t find the friendship where you thought you’d be able to and some of these friendships come to an end.
You actually can’t be bothered to work anymore. Your pension is another hundred years away or so, and you’ve already had enough of working. You’ve always been occupied with it (or at least, that’s how it feels), you don’t know if you still like it, and every day you wish you were a gardener, a pastry chef or therapist. Or you’re like me and want to simplify everything (because who needs money?) and move to an uninhabited island in Thailand and walk along the beach and read books.
You get older and it makes you afraid. Yesterday I sprained my ankle during running, I tried three different facial moisturizers to reduce the appearance of fine lines (none of them helped) … and again, found a few new grey hairs, as a few years ago I very impudent decided to stop dying my hair, so now they grow out very obvious. All of that, in one day! You eat healthier than ever before, you make a priority of exercises and you take all those vitamins of which people can’t shut up, but still you’re aging … and fast too. You have trouble sleeping, you can’t lose weight, even though you try so hard, and let’s not even start about the period … it’s like being a teen all over again, the PMS symptoms are back as never before.
I tried three different facial moisturizers to reduce the appearance of fine lines (none of them helped).
Do you recognize yourself a bit?
By writing this, I would like to share my advice on how to follow your heart, what to do to get more energy, to feel happier and how to generate the best connections and conversations with your friends. And yes, I can give you a few tips about the things that have worked for me. But what I really want to say with this article, more than anything, is that you are not alone.
With many of my friends (of the same age), acquaintances or women in general I have discussions on one or more of these topics, or a lot of other themes that eventually all come down to the same thing. We all are in a very similar stage of our lives, diseased with uncertainty and emotion and maybe even a slight depression … and it’s perfectly normal. It’s common, but probably not a very openly discussed topic in your social circle, where it actually should be taken more responsively. You have nothing to complain about. You still look good, you aren’t “young” anymore, but neither “old” yet, you’re married to a fun, capable man, you received one or more fantastic children and you’ve worked very hard to get the job that you deserve.
No, there is no official name for this phase of life on which we can fall back on mentally and physically. There is no one who really pays attention to our needs during this (mental and physical) transition, all the tasks which we imposed ourselves we ticked off, so we did well, right? We have the baby(/ies), the dream house, the fantastic job, the spacious travel budget, so we finally can make that amazing trip… whatever it is you have achieved, you surely worked your tail off.
But perhaps we need (way) more than that? Maybe we want more out of life? We dream of more? What I can tell you is that it’s good to have these feelings, in order to recognize and acknowledge these emotions, to in your own way go after your needs and your dreams because you only live once.
A few tips to minimize your feelings:
- Disconnect yourself from the internet more often and for longer. I know that it’s such a cliché, but I must appoint it, because we simply don’t do it. We say we will, but don’t. Get off social media when you can! Initiate more conversations with your children, your parents and your friends. Read a good book. Go outside, find nature. Breath. Meditate. By yourself. In a quiet room.
- Exercise a little more, but a little lighter. You don’t need to kill yourself in a gym, if it’s not your thing, but perhaps you like to hike, or do yoga. Experiment with new ways to move your body.
- Say goodbye to your guilt. You’ve gone with that far too long. You don’t have to feel guilty whether you’re doing enough, or be afraid to fail or always be ready to stand in for someone else’s problems. We are too old for that now. We now have facial moisturizers to worry about. Do not collect money for charity (unless you really want to, for yourself). Don’t take on that new account at work (unless you really want, for yourself). Don’t feel bad that you have eaten the bread at home.
- Take a close look at your finances. Take a good look at your monthly expenditure and consider your goals for the future. Find out what you can adapt to your career and your income. Maybe you’d like to make less hours. Maybe you want to make your hobby more like you work. Perhaps you’d like to work more, but with a clear new goal in mind that helps you to motivate yourself to work more or longer. And don’t be afraid of change, to reform certain things. Change is not your enemy – change is your friend. It’s actually one of my best friends.
- Minimize your alcohol intake. The daily glass of wine, may have helped you to get through the last twenty years, but it may be a good idea to keep it to a few nights per week and see what effect it has.
- Keep up with your monthly cycle. If yours is somewhat like mine at this moment, it’s intense. By keeping an eye on it, I can recognize when PMS is about to arise or understand why I suddenly feel insanely bloated or so exhausted that I no longer can get up in the morning. It helps me to warn my husband because he deserves to be alarmed before I turn into a (horror)monster.
- Do something for yourself each day. I can find myself very well in meditation, just in my bedroom, half an hour or an hour with myself and for myself. A good book works well too. Go for a manicure. Follow a yoga class. Write a diary. Listen to your favorite music on Spotify. Make a delicious cappuccino and drink it slowly at the kitchen table while gazing out the window. Each day. Just take some time to do something for yourself, even if it’s something small.
- Air your heart. Writing this article is my way to express my feelings – I’m not writing it only for myself, but I hope it will help you too. Tell a friend or your mother or your husband what you’re thinking of, how you feel, what you’re experiencing. Ask for advice and reassurance; you’re not the only woman who feels what you feel at this age. Talk together to find out if you might feel the same. It may appear as if it leads nowhere, but I promise it will bring you something – maybe not for them, but for you. And that alone makes discussing your thoughts well worth it.