Today I celebrate life, my own but especially that of my son, he turns 4 years old today. Since I became his mother, exactly 4 years ago, (almost) everything that was ever important to me no longer is.

My son is a miracle, he truly is. Due to a severe form of Endometriosis, I was told by several doctors that becoming a mother was excluded, I was 30 years old. After a long period of trying to accept my destiny, periods of grief and denial, I finally reached a point in life where I decided to stand in my own strength and follow my intuition. I was 38 at the time and had to change many things to become pregnant. I started living differently, healthier, I exercised more often. I changed my sleeping patterns, worked less, ate organic food, drank lots and lots of water. I mostly worked on my mindset and started practicing my gratitude.

Looking back at the process of becoming a mother, I am still convinced that a healthy lifestyle significantly influenced my body. But my mindset was absolute key. It took an eternity (that’s how it felt to me) before I got to the point of believing in myself (and not the doctors that diagnose me). In the meantime, I had developed a love-hate relationship (in all areas) with my aging body. When you experience fertility problems, doctors are raising red flags when you pass the age of 35. I’ve been regularly reminded that not only my outside but also my inside was in decline. Tik Tak, Tik Tak… you are aging, stop the clock, hold my eggs, there is so much more I want to do.

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures -Thornton Wilder

I learned a lot from that period of my life. The harsh reality that women have an expiration date, I find it incredibly unfair. And by expiration date, I mean both the inside and the outside, our aging bodies are judged by society. I, for instance, disliked my aging body more and more while becoming older, my “unable to conceive body” with “the aging appearance.” But becoming a mother changed me. The positive mindset I had when I was convinced I would conceive. Even though it was impossible, according to the doctors, it made me realize I could use that mindset in all facets of life.

I fought hard to become pregnant and eventually hold my son in my arms. Throughout the process, I have met many women who weren’t as lucky, which also made me realize how unique the whole process of life is. Our society attaches great importance to superficial appearance and materialism. But life is not a matter of course, it’s a gift and not because of newborn miracle babies. It is a gift to be alife in general. I learned to be grateful for what I have, my beautiful body that was able to give birth to a child against all the odds. My face with all my wrinkles, from worries, from sorrow but also from all the joy I had in life.

After I became a mother, I started to look at my own aging process differently. Almost everything important to me when I was younger no longer is. I took life for granted when I was young; now, I know better. In my opinion, it is a waste of time to worry about wrinkles or gray hair. I try to stop looking at myself in the mirror with lots of self criticism. Looking at myself with soft eyes is the new me. In our youth-obsessed society, we think of ourselves as inferior when we reach midlife. Isn’t that sad? That every time you look in a mirror, you think you are not good enough? Too old to give birth to a child and too old for society because you are starting or having wrinkles and/or gray hair.

So nowadays, I practice the same mindset and gratitude on my aging self, it makes me happier. Not long ago, I realized that I was being carried away by the “anti-aging movement.” At one point, I realized that I could change my mind channels, and I started to switch from negative thoughts to positive ones. Daily thoughts about being grateful for the good things in my life, that aging is a privilege, that I earned each and every wrinkle. Nowadays, I count my blessings and not my lines, and that has made me happier. It doesn’t work every day, but it is getting better and better.

Happy birthday Finn, I love you more than life itself. XO